I Relapsed

As most readers of these pages know, I work at the local rescue mission, with men in recovery from substance abuse issues. I have been there just shy of 3 1/2 years. From time to time things happen that cause us to have to modify how we are doing what we were doing. The first such modification came when our parent organization opened a thrift store in town. Because our men are required to provide some of the staffing at the store, we had to reconfigure our class schedule to accommodate the different scheduling demands. It meant the whole group is only together as a group for morning devotions, five days a week. Although we took a little bit of a hit in camaraderie, the net affect of the store was positive as it gave us the additional aspects of work therapy and vocational training to add to the recovery program. I do not have numbers, but it also added some additional revenue to the ministry.


We are now in the midst of what could be called the next, great transition. Last August there was a change of leadership above me. Changes of leadership always result in changes of vision, process and procedure, at least in my experience. However, this is not about that. As we say in our process groups when it is our turn to talk, "It's all about me right now."


There are a couple aspects of the transition that are not sitting well with me right now. Longtime readers of these pages will have a better idea of what that means than others, but that is not really the point anyway. I am getting there.

I have a friend, a former client. I am not sure he would appreciate his name being mentioned here so just think of him as my friend, son in the faith, and brother in Christ. Somewhere, I do not think it was from me, he was presented the concept that worry is sin. He reminds me of that occasionally. I am not quite ready to say I have been worrying about the situation at the mission, (especially if worry is sin) but I have definitely had some stress and anxiety over it.


It is just past 4:00 AM as I type these words. Just over an hour ago, I relapsed. You see, my lifelong default has been to worry when faced with any sort of uncertainty. Most people do not know this about me, but I used to be a very good worrier. I was actually an excellent worrier. I could worry about almost anything at the drop of a hat, and do it well. I do not worry anymore. Worry is sin.


So, shortly before 3:00 AM this morning, I relapsed. I defaulted to what I have often done when circumstances pressure me. I had some stress and anxiety. I cannot even say it was a conscious thought, but I began to pray in the spirit. (Yes, I was praying in tongues, although very quietly so as not to wake my wife.) In my spirit I heard something like, "You seem to be anxious and stressed." I was convicted. I confessed that I was a little anxious and stressed and I began to repent.


I had no more than started that when the Holy Spirit asked me if I would get up and pray. How could I respond? I got up, got my robe and slippers and my prayer shawl from Israel and sat in the big recliner in the family room. I began to pray. The stress and anxiety kept trying to creep in. My soul was trying to take authority over my spirit. I understood this battle was not about anything going on in my life. I was fighting a spirit that wanted to rob me of my, "...peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." (Romans 14:17) My stress and anxiety were all about things that do no matter in the kingdom of God. This is personal, between God and me. He is trying to be sure I am ready for what He is leading me into. He already sees the battle--and the victory.

I relapsed. I confessed. I repented. I prayed. I won! Now I am writing to anyone who cares to read about it and needs to hear it. Perhaps this will be my last relapse into stress and anxiety. Perhaps it will not. Albert Einstein was wrong about the universal constant. It is not light. It is the creator of the light. He will be there if I relapse again. Perhaps that will be the last time.